Ten Things I Learned From the How I Met Your Mother Series Finale

That's easy for you to say, Barney.

After almost ten years, How I Met Your Mother - CBS' sitcom juggernaut - finally came to a close this evening.  It's already stirred up quite a bit of controversy -  but as for me, I've learned something today.

And so I present to you: Ten lessons I learned from the last episode of How I Met Your Mother:

1. Have kids.  Lots of kids.  Even if your first child's infanthood made you miserable, just keep on having them!  Not only will raising children miraculously get easier as your family gets larger, your husband's cushy job (which makes him miserable) will take care of all your bills!  Also, you'll only ever have one major dream in your entire life, and once you satisfy it you will be free to happily follow his career whims and "owe him" forever.
2. Being successful in a field you enjoy (if you're a woman; men are allowed to achieve and have happy, large families) will bring you nothing but personal misery and maroon you back in the life you had back when you were in your twenties.  Even though you don't want children, you will be so lonely and bitter about a marriage that failed NINE YEARS AGO that when a man whose creepy obsession with you has stretched on through twenty years comes by with a token of his love that speaks of your long-ago meeting you will happily become involved with him, moving to a suburban area you hate and taking up the raising his teenagers through their most vulnerable years.  Like cities more than the 'burbs?  Like dogs more than kids?  PFT!  That guy you dated for a year totally knows you better than you know yourself!  You'll be right there waiting for him, forever, literally.  
3. There's no such thing as a happily single and childless woman. EVER.  EVERYONE WANTS BABIES ALWAYS.  And women are either miserable career-obsessed shrews or empty vessels ready to be filled with a man's ideals, fantasies and romantic notions.
4. If you've spent your entire life amorally seducing every woman on the face of the planet, the sudden appearance of an illegitimate daughter will turn you into an instantly awesome and responsible dad-slash-man.  Bonding?!  PFT!!  Love at first sight and biology are the only rules!  You will automatically become a better man even if you have no idea how to be one, or if you've already laboriously become a better person through another method, which will miraculously be discarded and forgotten. 
5. You will be always be the same person you were when you were twenty.  Any changes in personality will instantly evaporate when you lose your spouse.  Your personality is formed in iron, and you are borg, and if you change even slightly when given the chance to revert to your old personality you will take it in a moment.
6. No matter how desperately you claim you love a woman who's perfect for you, your wife/husband, mother of your children, it's CLEARLY all a front for your actual feelings for a woman who dumped you multiple times. 
7. Your children will be creepily supportive of you boinking a woman they've identified as their aunt for years.  
8. Your kids also won't be grossed out by your endless stories of the adults that are their extended and immediate family boinking one another.  Sunday brunch with Uncle Barney, his adorable kid and Aunt Robin won't EVER be awkward!
9. If you're the series runner on a sitcom pilot, perhaps you shouldn't make immutable plans for your show's finale in the first year of its operation.  
10. If you have the balls to claim you're an artist, and that you're making art, maybe you shouldn't talk too loudly, before history makes you a fool.