Film sequels can be divvied up
into neat piles. There are the ones that
arrive at the perfect time, with something to say and a theme to build on from
its origin film (The Empire Strikes Back, if you please). There are those that are misbegotten from the
very start and leave the audience sitting in their seats scratching their heads
(Stayin’ Alive and its odd plot choices).
Still yet there are sequels that get greenlit ten plus years after the
first film and arrive before surprised and occasionally horrified audiences
(Dumb and Dumber To, rise and take a bow).
Some sequels – even worse - feature none of the original elements or stars
that made the first one so successful (Grease 2) . But some are special; some fall into the category
of being unnecessary because the first film in the series was so satisfying, so
complete, that a sequel feels like a desecration.
Below are the five most unnecessary
of that bunch, in my little opinion. I’ve
tried to be a little less obvious with my choices, but some chestnuts cannot
resist a good roasting.
5: The Rage: Carrie 2: Carrie
is an odd duck in the pantheon of horror film classics. DePalma’s 1976 film is undeniably great, but it’s
also undeniably complete in its storytelling.
With sympathetic monster Carrie and her completely unlovable mamma buried
in the hot ground, a sequel would have to be comprised of paranormal elements
foreign to the franchise – or let sole survivor Sue Snell meet another telekinetic
with a gift for pyro.
So when Universal/MGM greenlit a
sequel in 1999 –and produced it without the cooperation of Carrie’s creator
Stephen King but with the blessing of
Brian DePalma – it was destined to take a different path from its iconic
predecessor. Picking up on a plot thread
only briefly discussed in the book and the original film, we follow the notion
that Carrie’s absent father traveled their small Southern (at least in the movie) hometown
spreading his seed about the 20 mile radius; not only does he mange to
procreate with another schizophrenic gripped by religious mania ( a fact that is briefly and tastelessly revisited late in the movie as a silly joke), he manages to
sire a second daughter gifted with telekinesis. That child, Rachel, grows up into your
average, downtrodden teenager, with a loving dog and clueless and poor adopted parents. Though Rachel is unpopular like Carrie, she has integrity and a backboke, and also a best friend. That friend is victimized sexually by the much
older school jock and commits theatrical suicide off the school's roof; the majority of the film then centers
around Rachel’s sweet courtship with popular kid Jesse, her burgeoning telekinetic
gift and the criminal case against the jock, whose posse wants to ruin Rachel’s
life for telling the truth about her friend’s suicide and the statutory rape that caused it.
Carrie 2’s biggest sin is that the
Carrie material feels as if it’s been grafted onto the story at odd fits and
starts; most of those callbacks involve Sue Snell as the high school’s guidance
councilor and the town’s sole smart adult.
She’s seen this stuff go down and tries to keep Rachel from following
her sister’s path, even taking her to the remains of the old school (which
shouldn’t be standing nor recognizable twenty plus years after the deadly fire
that killed most of its students and faculty, even if they though the property
was cursed, but never mind) and showing her what the power within her might
do - all of her warnings falling, of course, on deaf ears. Everything else follows a dull
formula, but while Carrie’s death was a sad event that encapsulated the state of the twisted
umbilicus that kept the Whites anchored together during Carrie's short life, Rachel’s
death is an infuriating example of an idiot plot gone awry, and it leads to the
even more maddeningly stupid death of Sue.
The Rage suffers so thoroughly via
comparison to its source canon in every respect, from making Rachel a much more
well off teenager than Carrie to the mindlessness of the deaths of those around
her. In the end it comes off as nothing more than a
pale imitation of the popular horror movies released in the same time
frame. Recapturing Carrie’s magic has
continued to prove elusive for MGM, resulting in the failure of an attempted series and a complicated reboot two years ago that
hewed closer to the novel but was destroyed by executive decisions.
4: Blues Brothers 2000: The conclusion of 1980’s The Blues Brothers
is immensely satisfying simply because it’s a strange little sign of human
triumph against insurmountable odds.
Jake and Elwood Blues lose their freedom and their car as they try to
save their former orphanage from financial ruin, but in the end they fulfill
their mission, save the kids, and their second stint in prison is a singing, joyous
triumph. The music cannot be taken from them no matter where they are, the brotherhood cannot be broken, and those are the two fundamental truths of the movie. The path of destruction they
leave behind them is minuscule, and that they will be rewarded on their release, as all good wanderers should, an ending that's all soul food with just a tiny hint of the blues, just like Jake
and Elwood’s music. You don’t need to
see where they go next, because it all ought to be gravy from here on out.
The sequel has the temerity to turn their victory
into a disaster. Elwood emerges from his
stint in the pen to learn of the death of his brother and mentor; the orphanage
has been shut down, the band has dispersed into the real world and a variety of blue and white collar jobs, and all the old hangouts are
irrevocably changed into new, alien places. In a more
thoughtful, realistic movie this would simply be a case of reality descending
on the fictional world; everything dies, after all and if it doesn't die it changes. But in a confection like The Blues Brothers, the ghosts of
the past are so overwhelming they leech the light out of the plot. Throw in an annoying performance from the
usually incredibly apt John Goodman as Elwood’s new sidekick, a thieving adopted
orphan son, the inexplicable appearance of Eryka Badu as a voodoo priestess
(??) who solves the band’s problems by turning their enemies into lizards (!!)
and the end result is a notorious bomb that invoked the ire of Blues Brothers
fans everywhere.
If Blues Brothers 2000 teaches
anything to its bewildered audience, it’s that sometimes you really can’t go home
again, even to a sweet place like Chicago.
3: Arthur 2: On The Rocks: Most romantic comedies don’t really need a
sequel; the formula answers for all. Two people get together, they ride off into the sunset , and the rest can be left up to the happy
imagination of the audience. Unless it makes so much money it necessitates a sequel from a hungry studio.
In a way, this entry stands in for every terrible romantic movie sequel, from the awful Legally Blonde 2 to the mattress-surfing, book-ignoring The Princess Diaries 2. It's especially egregious in Arthur 2 because the end of
Arthur is a perfect little bit of romantic froth in which the world’s luckiest
lush ends up getting everything he wants – an honest woman, his own fortune, adulthood and his self-respect.
That’s why the sequel – years too
late in arriving - misses so many key
ingredients on its way to the screen that it feels like a vital misstep. The plot is simplistic - Linda and Arthur decide to have a child, but
their plans are soon complicated by Linda's apparent infertility and the fact that Arthur’s company has
undergone a hostile takeover, leaving them both destitute. The rest of the movie plays like a dry rote
re-learning of lessons already doled out, flattening the fizz out of the
charming fuzz of the original picture.
2: Book of Shadows: Blair Witch 2: The first Blair Witch retained its eerie sense
of mysticism by both keeping the monster in question completely obscured and
using a found footage style that felt (at the time) immediate and fresh. Though the characters were stock cardboard
their dilemma felt urgent, and it was possible to root for them. But when your lead character is an
inexplicable force of mystical nature it’s best to keep them as deeply shrouded as
humanly possible.
When the sequel was greenlit a few
years later they took that homemade premise and promptly ladled on a heavy
shellacking of Hollywood gloss and irritating plot contrivance. The
frustrating part is that it starts smart, mocking the cottage industry that
sprouted up around the Blair Witch phenomena, the very first ‘viral’ film
hit. But soon it indulges in clichéd Hollywood
tripe that builds on the mysterious
Blair Witch’s powers by trapping us with the most annoying disaffected tourists,
Goths and gen xers in the world. It’s as muddled and generic as the original
film is unique and groundbreaking.
The movie destroyed the scripted
filmmaking career of documentation Joe Berlinger, who retreated to the real
world after the studio severely recut his edit.
Only one of his leads managed to salvage their career after the film’s
notorious flop, and Jeffrey Donovan’s presence ultimately results in Book of
Shadows’ reputation in my household as “that movie where the guy from Burn
Notice makes out with an owl.”
1: Halloween: Resurrection: There have been many films in this Michael Myers-driven
canon, but unlike A Nightmare on Elm Street and Friday the 13th,
Mike Myers’ legacy has endured a surprisingly small number of duds. The first in the series is recognized as a
classic, the second as a slightly less important but none the less interesting
sequel, the third an innovative risk that failed commercially but has been
reappraised as a cult classic, the fourth and fifth as solid horror films, with
the sixth being complicated by an inferior studio cut. Halloween H20 was an interesting attempt at embracing the self-knowing and quasi-parody driven mid-90s horror subgenre
driven by Kevin Williamson/Wes Craven Scream series. The conclusion of H20 actually served as a
nice series bookend; Laurie defeats
Michael, saving her son from pain she knew as a teen; no more was really needed in the main
continuity to provide closure. So when Resurrection
rolled around the audience was, in spite of its misgivings, salivating for yet more conflict between estranged
sibs Michael Myers and Laurie Strode.
Then the movie starts with the
brave but futile death of Laurie, and it's a scene that should have been the centerpiece
of the film and a monumental moment in the franchise’ history. In this
version is simply a part of the opening sequence.
The majority of the plot tries to parody the
then-new reality television genre and the vapid and greedy people who populate
its ranks. Myers goes home to his old house, finds it occupied by crew and cast
of an ‘internet reality horror show’, and decides to pick them off one by one in predictable
ways. This dull plot is augmented with with poor acting and characters that are routinely ignorant and unlikablem but if you’ve ever wanted to watch Busta Rhymes electrocute Michael Myers
(SPOILERS), then you won’t be disappointed by the rich buffet of human
experience this movie offers.
For
everyone else – people who were invested in Laurie’s story, who see the Halloween
series as a battle in which the Strode/Myers clan strain to break free of the
inexplicable dark shadow that is Michael’s whole existence, and who just plain
enjoy good horror – Halloween : Resurrection takes the crown as the most
unnecessary sequel in cinema history. It
continues to haunt the Myers clan’s doorstep in a way that hasn’t yet been
entirely forgotten by the fanbase, even in the wake of a controversial franchise
reboot by Rob Zombie.
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